Swiftian Satire Today
When May I Shoot a Student?
Professor of Biology and Criminal Justice
Boise State University
The New York Times, 27 February, 2014
BOISE, Idaho — To the chief counsel of the Idaho State Legislature:
In light of the bill permitting guns on our state’s college and university campuses, which is likely to be approved by the state House of Representatives in the coming days, I have a matter of practical concern that I hope you can help with: When may I shoot a student?
I am a biology professor, not a lawyer, and I had never considered bringing a gun to work until now. But since many of my students are likely to be armed, I thought it would be a good idea to even the playing field.
I have had encounters with disgruntled students over the years, some of whom seemed quite upset, but I always assumed that when they reached into their backpacks they were going for a pencil. Since I carry a pen to lecture, I did not feel outgunned; and because there are no working sharpeners in the lecture hall, the most they could get off is a single point. But now that we’ll all be packing heat, I would like legal instruction in the rules of classroom engagement.
At present, the harshest penalty available here at Boise State is expulsion, used only for the most heinous crimes, like cheating on Scantron exams. But now that lethal force is an option, I need to know which infractions may be treated as de facto capital crimes.
I assume that if a student shoots first, I am allowed to empty my clip; but given the velocity of firearms, and my aging reflexes, I’d like to be proactive. For example, if I am working out a long equation on the board and several students try to correct me using their laser sights, am I allowed to fire a warning shot?
If two armed students are arguing over who should be served next at the coffee bar and I sense escalating hostility, should I aim for the legs and remind them of the campus Shared-Values Statement (which reads, in part, “Boise State strives to provide a culture of civility and success where all feel safe and free from discrimination, harassment, threats or intimidation”)?
While our city police chief has expressed grave concerns about allowing guns on campus, I would point out that he already has one. I’m glad that you were not intimidated by him, and did not allow him to speak at the public hearing on the bill (though I really enjoyed the 40 minutes you gave to the National Rifle Association spokesman).
Knee-jerk reactions from law enforcement officials and university presidents are best set aside. Ignore, for example, the lame argument that some drunken frat boys will fire their weapons in violation of best practices. This view is based on stereotypical depictions of drunken frat boys, a group whose dignity no one seems willing to defend.
The problem, of course, is not that drunken frat boys will be armed; it is that they are drunken frat boys. Arming them is clearly not the issue. They would cause damage with or without guns. I would point out that urinating against a building or firing a few rounds into a sorority house are both violations of the same honor code.
In terms of the campus murder rate — zero at present — I think that we can all agree that guns don’t kill people, people with guns do. Which is why encouraging guns on campus makes so much sense. Bad guys go where there are no guns, so by adding guns to campus more bad guys will spend their year abroad in London. Britain has incredibly restrictive laws — their cops don’t even have guns! — and gun deaths there are a tiny fraction of what they are in America. It’s a perfect place for bad guys.
Some of my colleagues are concerned that you are encouraging firearms within a densely packed concentration of young people who are away from home for the first time, and are coincidentally the age associated with alcohol and drug experimentation, and the commission of felonies.
Once again, this reflects outdated thinking about students. My current students have grown up learning responsible weapon use through virtual training available on the Xbox and PlayStation. Far from being enamored of violence, many studies have shown, they are numb to it. These creative young minds will certainly be stimulated by access to more technology at the university, items like autoloaders, silencers and hollow points. I am sure that it has not escaped your attention that the library would make an excellent shooting range, and the bookstore could do with fewer books and more ammo choices.
I want to applaud the Legislature’s courage. On a final note: I hope its members will consider my amendment for bulletproof office windows and faculty body armor in Boise State blue and orange.
Sample Reviews from Amazon.com for Playmobil TSA Security Check Point (Toy)
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3 out of 5 stars - Incomplete playset ::: By ******** (Atlanta, GA United States)
Kids will have hours of fun with this toy. The only problem is that it's incomplete. I had to buy the Playmobil Overly Grabby TSA Agent™ set and the Playmobil Unnecessarily Long Line of People™ set as well. Fortunately the second set can be used with my child's Playmobil Soulless Corporate Bank™ set.
3 out of 5 stars - Not complete without the line... ::: By ******** (US)
This toy would be a lot more realistic with about 350 people standing in line for an average of an hour. It still makes a nice set with the interrogation room.
3.0 out of 5 stars - Great lesson for the kids! ::: By ******** (Seattle, WA)
I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5-year-old son pointed out that the passenger's shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger's scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said "that's the worst security ever!" But it turned out to be okay, because when the passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital.
The best thing about this product is that it teaches kids about the realities of living in a high-surveillence society. My son said he wants the Playmobil Neighborhood Surveillence System set for Christmas. I've heard that the CC TV cameras on that thing are pretty worthless in terms of quality and motion detection, so I think I'll get him the Playmobil Abu-Ghraib Interogation Set instead (it comes with a cute little memo from George Bush).
5.0 out of 5 stars Educational and Fun! ::: By ******** (New York City)
Thank you Playmobil for allowing me to teach my 5-year-old the importance of recognizing what a failing bureaucracy in a ever-growing fascist state looks like. Sometimes it's a hard lesson for kids to learn, because not all pigs carry billy clubs and wear body armor. I applaud the people who created this toy for finally being hip to our changing times. Little children need to be aware that not all smiling faces and uniforms are friendly. I noticed that my child is now more interested in current events. Just the other day he asked me why we had to forfeit so much of our liberties and personal freedoms and I had to answer "well, it's because the terrorists have already won." Yes, they have won.
I also highly recommend the Playmobil "farm fencing" so you can take your escorted airline passenger away and fence him behind bars as if he were in Guantanamo Bay.
2 out of 5 stars - Serious Security Breach ::: By ******** (Oklahoma City, OK, USA)
My family was planning a vacation to Europe, so I purchased this item to teach my twins about what to expect at the airport and hopefully, alleviate some of their anxiety. We also downloaded the actual TSA security checklist from the American Airlines website and then proceeded with our demonstration. Well, first we had to round up a Barbie and a few Bratz dolls to play the other family members, so that cost us a few extra bucks at the Dollar General and it is aggravating that the manufacturer did not make this product "family-friendly."
Of course, since the Playmobil Dad could not remove his shoes or other clothing items, unlike the Barbie, the Playmobil security agent became suspicious and after waving her wand wildy a few dozen times, called her supervisor to wisk the Dad into a special body-cavity search room, (which incidentally led to quite an embarrassing and interesting discussion with my twin daughters about personal hygiene and a slight adjustment to the rules we had them memorize about touching by strangers).
But worst of all, since the suitcase did not actually open, the baggage inspector made a call to the FBI and ATF bomb squads, which then segregated the family's suitcase (which btw was the only suitcase they provided for our educational family experience) and, according to the advanced TSA regulations, had to blow it up (since they could not otherwise mutilate the luggage, break off the locks and put one of those nice little advisory stickers on it), which we had to simulate out in the backyard with a few M-80s and other fireworks. The girls started crying. They became so hysterical from the whole experience that we could not even get them in the car when the time came to actually take our trip, and so we had to cancel the whole thing at the last minute, losing over $7,000 in airfare and hotel charges that we could not recoup due to the last minute cancellations.
We've now spent an additional $3,000 to pay for the girls' therapy and medication over the past year since this incident occurred, and the psychologists have told us that this will affect them for life, so so much for their college fund and our retirement.
Then, to top it all off, when we tried to use to Playmobil phone to call the company to ask for reimbursement, as you might expect, of course the damn thing didn't even work; neither did our efforts to email them using the computer screen on the baggage checkpoint; and our real-life efforts to contact them to obtain reimbursement have also likewise been ignored. Worse yet, we had the product tested and found out that it was positive for both lead paint and toxic chemicals, having been manufactured in China by workers holding jobs fornerly held by Americans, so now we all have cancer and have been given only another year or so to live. My advice - educating your kids about airport security with this toy may actually be more harmful to them than just packing them in the damn luggage with some bottled water & hoping they survive.
Sample Reviews from Amazon.com for Playmobil Police Check Point (Toy)
5 out of 5 stars Your papers please! ::: By ******** (Powder Springs, GA United States)
This playset is one of the best purchases I have made for my three-year-old. In the past, when we have been stopped at roadblocks, or when during one of Daddy's arrests, he would start crying uncontrollably. Now, after playing with this for the past several months, he is perfectly docile.
As an adjunct to this product, I would also recommend that you purchase the Playmobil Armed Standoff Playset, Fisher-Price Little People Battering Ram, and the Nerf Tear-Gas Canister Deployment Gun.
Bill of Rights sold separately.
3 out of 5 stars - It's great and all but... ::: April 8, 2008, By ******** (CO)
I was pretty pumped to get this model. After my Leviathan Teddy Bear burst at the seams and my Guantanamo Slip 'N Slide tore into several pieces, I was looking for a petty distraction as durable as state tyranny itself.
Finally, I found the Playmobil Police Checkpoint. It's everything a colorful plastic method of indoctrination should be: mobile, plastic, and filled with red warning signs. I love setting it up outside my house. That way I feel like I have to show papers to get in. I know I own it, but it's cooler if the state lets me in. They know best.
Still, I have a complaint about this darling set. I mean, I'm no curmudgeon, and I hate to nit-pick, especially over such a usefully didactic toy. But I must- No taser?
5 out of 5 stars - Wonderful conditioning for police state ::: By ******** (Austin, TX)
What better way to condition your kids to accept the police state and Patriot Act? Last thing one needs is your kids growing up to question authority!
5 out of 5 stars - What is your destination? ::: By ******** (Boston, MA)
After searching high and low for the perfect 21st century All-American toy, I at last came across the toy that searches *you*!
Lately, junior had frightened the missus and me over breakfast when he told us his third grade teacher was teaching evolution. Needless to say, we didn't have the money to file a lawsuit against the school. However, for just a fraction of that legal cost we could simply purchase this little gem to help eradicate the terrorist concepts that had been incubating in his head, such as "freedom of thought" or "unmonitored domestic travel." Lately, we even started setting this little playset up on his pillow as an alternative to money after he lost his baby teeth.
He cried when he woke, but it was a lesson well-learned. Where is your tooth fairy now, Junior? Where is your god now?! Thanks Playmobile!!